In my Leadership & Administration class we are reading On Becoming a Leader by Warren Bennis. Overall, I really enjoy this book and I guess it is showing in the casual weekly dialogue we have to participate in…..
Sat, Sep 06, 2008 — Week 2 Discussion — Additional Thoughts #2
Shanna asks a good question in response to Katie.
"Bennis states on page 33 that leaders "do not worry about failure, but embrace errors, knowing they will learn from them." In that context, a leader who risks it all and fails could be perceived by some as being "weak." So, a leader who takes risks may be viewed as fearless, but if he/she fails, there is a risk of being viewed as "weak." Do you see it the same way? If you saw a leader risk everything and then fail–would you see weakness or tenacity?"
As Shanna points out, Bennis believes that leadership is about risk-taking, and failure is inherent in risk. If it wasn't, it would not be called risk!
What are your thoughts on this. Have you made a decision as a leader or seen a decision made by someone else that did not work out. How did you or the leader handle it? How did the others in the organization react?
As Shanna points out, Bennis believes that leadership is about risk-taking, and failure is inherent in risk. If it wasn't, it would not be called risk!
What are your thoughts on this. Have you made a decision as a leader or seen a decision made by someone else that did not work out. How did you or the leader handle it? How did the others in the organization react?
As Shanna points out, Bennis believes that leadership is about risk-taking, and failure is inherent in risk. If it wasn't, it would not be called risk!
What are your thoughts on this. Have you made a decision as a leader or seen a decision made by someone else that did not work out. How did you or the leader handle it? How did the others in the organization react?
As Shanna points out, Bennis believes that leadership is about risk-taking, and failure is inherent in risk. If it wasn't, it would not be called risk!
What are your thoughts on this. Have you made a decision as a leader or seen a decision made by someone else that did not work out. How did you or the leader handle it? How did the others in the organization react?
**********************************************
Fri, Sep 19, 2008 — Week 5 Discussion — Know Thyself
In the broad context of breaking out and being "yourself," Bennis stated:
"Know thyself, then, means separating who you are and who you want to be from what the world thinks you are and wants you to be."
Shanna, in her socialization post, stated:
"Over the years I’ve had numerous life experiences that have helped form the person I am today. I have come to terms with the fact that I have to live for myself and not for society or extended family. I have separated myself from my upbringing in a healthy manner. I regret nothing. Everything had to happen the way it did so that I could become the person I am today."
What are Bennis and our classmate Shanna trying to tell us? Why is this lesson important to leadership? And how does it apply to your life and your goals?
Please post your thoughts by September 26th.
What I wrote:
1. What strikes you as the most important agent of socialization and why?
For me personally, the most important agent of socialization was my family. I believe the answer to this question will vary depending on the person. For example, the two girls we adopted from the foster care system last June did not have a family of any kind for nearly three years as they bounced from the Crisis Nursery (place were children await foster placement in Norfolk) and various foster homes. If they had not been grafted into our family and continued to bounce around the foster care system, family would not have been a primary agent of socialization for them.
The media, friends and school had there role in my life as far as socialization, but the cornerstone that most influenced my world view was my family. It is the values that were drilled into me in the home which impacted me the most. It was also the most difficult to disengage from when I realized that some of the aspects of my “socialization” through my family were not in-line with my beliefs as I grew older.
2. Can you think of particular ways that socialization impacted your life and political-social philosophy?
Growing up, I came from a strong conservative Christian (Lutheran) home. We were solid Republicans in the Democratic State of Wisconsin. We listened to Christian radio and conservative talk show hosts who were just finding their fame in the 1990s (i.e. Rush Limbaugh). My mother sat at the feet of Dr. James Dobson to guide her in parenting and we heard tale after tale about how our “rights” were being threatened by the “homosexual agenda,” the “femi-nazis,” secular psychology and liberals. I was placed in Lutheran schools and lived quite comfortably in a broader “Christian” bubble all the way through high school, with the exception of one year of public school due to a family move. We were not active in the community on a secular level.
Family was important. We were to be loyal to our family, my mother especially expected loyalty. Looking back, I now see that she desired to be a matriarch in the family and for her, that meant we must always agree with her on every issue—be it political, theological, or cultural. I was the eldest of four daughters and the setting I was raised in helped make me a child who was extremely obedient, at least externally. We were also a very loud family in that discussions about politics and religion were encouraged, but again, those discussions had to be in-line the family outlook on life. So, while we were encouraged to vocalize our beliefs, we were not encouraged to think outside the box. My family setting followed a “group think” type model. Neither of my parents went to college. My mom was a stay-at-home mom who repeatedly told us that all she ever wanted was to be a wife and a mother. The only problem was that in her interactions with us, she didn’t seem to truly enjoy being a mom. I found this dynamic to be extremely confusing.
I ended up marrying my husband Chad one week after he graduated from college. I was only 19 and while I had enrolled in college right out of high school, I backed out at the last minute. Chad was uneasy about my decision to back out of college. He felt strongly that I would regret my decision. I thought I would be fine—that I didn’t need formal education. I would be like my mother I thought—content to be a wife and mother. Our 5-year plan for children turned out to be a 3-month plan as I became pregnant quickly with our eldest child, Erik. By the age of 23, we had three children, my husband had completed four years of seminary and we settled into ministry life in Michigan.
Over the years I have felt guilt on two ends. In society’s eyes, I felt like I was judged as “ignorant,” even though I most certainly was not “ignorant.” The desire to learn was always present. On the other end, if I mentioned college or my dreams for obtaining an education, I was told by my mother that I just needed to learn how to be “content.” Desiring more formal education was equated with not being content in my role as wife and mother.
I was caught between society and my parents with neither judgment truly reflecting how I was actually feeling inside.
I was content. I loved being a young mother and wife. I was also not ignorant, while I didn’t go to college at 18 per society’s expectation, it didn’t automatically mean that I stopped thinking, reading or learning.
Over the years I’ve had numerous life experiences that have helped form the person I am today. I have come to terms with the fact that I have to live for myself and not for society or extended family. I have separated myself from my upbringing in a healthy manner. I regret nothing. Everything had to happen the way it did so that I could become the person I am today. I truly enjoy being a “nontraditional” student. At 18, I just wasn’t ready for critical thinking as I was too wrapped up in my upbringing. At 31, I have the confidence and life experience I did not possess at 18. My educational goals aren't based on what society says I must do, they are based on what I truly want to accomplish for myself.
My beliefs have shifted as well. I no longer believe that feminism as a whole is “bad.” I am no longer Republican, but a very strong Independent. I am still Lutheran, but have moved to a more moderate Lutheran denomination (my husband is now a counselor and no longer a pastor). I am very involved in the community and enjoy being around people who are different from me as it challenges me to grow as an individual.
Though I have left behind some of the beliefs of my childhood, my family gave me a basis which got me to where I am today and where I will go in the future.
|
|
PROFESSOR COMMENTS:
A very interesting post in many ways — you are exactly on the mark.
You clearly demonstrate that evolution is involved in our lives, i.e. we all have a starting point but as we grow and mature things change. The upbringing that was so central to our lives as children or teens gradually fades as we become adults and start making our own decisions. Or as you so aptly put it, you started living for "myself, and not for society or extended family." Clearly the goal — but as you point out, not so easily achieved.
|
************************************************
Sat, Sep 27, 2008 — Week 5 Discussion — Know Thyself
Please take a look at the posts of Krystle and Shanna and feel free to comment.
What I wrote:
It is important to know who you are. For many of my childhood and young adult years, I was a chameleon of sorts, adapting myself to whoever I was with. I was hedged in by my religious and conservative upbringing. I wanted to make people happy. I wanted to be all things to everyone. This led to being voted "teacher's pet" my senior year. My classmates knew me better than I knew myself!
Things started changing for me in 2000 when I was 23 years of age. My husband had just graduated from the seminary and we moved from WI to MI. I was pregnant with our third child and I had every intention of being the perfect pastor's wife. The problem came in where I just couldn't do it. The thing that stopped me in my tracks? Postpartum Depression (PPD). The darkest period of my life changed me forever and after it was all done, it changed me for the better.
While I was in the depths of PPD, everything I did required a lot of exertion. Coming out of PPD, I was exhausted and I realized I didn't want to be on the same path that I was prior to my PPD experience.
I was a bit angry about the whole PPD thing. I wasn't angry for getting the PPD, I was angry about not getting the help I needed immediately when I needed it because I was afraid to admit that I had depression. I realized this was caused by pressure to believe that depression was just something people used to make an excuse for laziness and in society, there still is a stigma connected to depression…especially PPD.
So, I delayed treatment even though I knew something wasn't right. I was trying so hard to look perfect for my parents, society and the church, I was willing to sacrifice my husband and children for it. I was so disgusted with it all…especially with myself for being so very blind.
Coupled with the PPD issue, I was expanding my circle of friends and being introduced to new ideas. For so long, I had been sheltered in a religious and political bubble that I hadn't considered other views and beliefs. It was during this time, 2001 to 2004 that I fully realized I didn't really like who I was. I realized that in the past I had been extremely narrow-minded and judgmental.
In 2004, we moved to Nebraska and that is where things really starting changing. We came to NE because my husband was called to serve a church here. We were so excited to have a fresh start. We really like MI, but we were ready to move on. However, it became glaringly obvious that the church my husband was called to was not going to be the community we had been hoping for. It was a generational church, under 200 members were everyone was someone related or connected to each other. It was clear from almost the first day that we didn't fit.
So, we didn't fit and then we started living for ourselves because we really had no option. My husband went back to school and got another Masters, this time in Mental Health Counseling. I went back to school as well. We became foster parents and pursued adoption. I entertained various social and political views. I met more people in the community and with each passing year, felt more and more disconnected from my role as "pastor's wife." While my husband never wanted me to worry about being a "pastor's wife," the church was not happy in the least. The divide grew larger.
In July of this year, my husband left the ministry and we moved out of the parsonage (church home for pastors). Today my husband is a counselor. We have five children. I am in school and pondering what Masters program to pursue. My political views have moved to the middle. We switched to a more moderate and open denomination. We are enjoying being able to put up a political sign in our yard and not having to worry if we will upset church members.
I finally feel connected to myself. I realize that life is all about evolving and changing. Nothing in this life is static. Embracing who I am has cost me some family relationships and a few friendships, but I realize now that just "fixing" myself to be what they want isn't being fair to anyone…especially not to my husband or children who need me to just be "me."
I believe in education. I am really enjoying being in school again, but honestly–it was living life that taught me the most. Learning in a classroom has helped me reflect on my life experiences, but the ultimate classroom is the world and I still have a ton to learn! That is what I hope to pass on to my children as they grow older and start learning who they are as individuals.
AND
I just realized I missed the point of how this relates to leadership.
If a person is living for someone else and fears stepping out on her own two feet, she is stifling herself. She is hindering her creativity and free thought. She submits herself to "groupthink" and locks hourself into a room with no windows.
People will not respect her. Oh, they most likely won't dislike her outright, but they won't respect her. Because in her attempt to make everyone happy, she will be seen as weak. People will talk down to her and manipulate her because she can't say no.
Not knowing who she is leads her to be whatever someone wants her to be. It's like she is being thrown around in an angry ocean where she can never set her feet down and there is a constant sense of drowning suffocation.
That is why one needs to know thyself, because not knowing will sweep you out to sea where the waves dictate and you are just the person being tossed around.
Professor Comments:
Well, there you have it. I could not have explained it better myself, nor could Bennis. You exactly captured the essence of knowing yourself as well as the idea of reinvention. Both you and your husband accomplished it at roughly the same time, and while raising a large family, which is quite a feat.
You make two points that are of particular interest.
First, you talk of being unwilling to admit you needed help. This is common to all of us. We generally refuse to ask for help, even when we know we need it, for many reasons. We think others will see us as week, incompetent, intellectually challenged, needy etc. if we seek help. And we also think we are the only person who ever needed help, therefore others will judge us harshly for asking. We generally see ourselves as self-sufficient, and therefore able to handle things on our own. But the reality is that once we are able to summon the courage to ask for help, we are almost always glad we did, and usually better for it. Note the use of the word courage — it is not a sign of weakness to ask for help but rather an indication of strength and courage.
Second, you note in your second post that if you do not live for yourself, you will loose respect. That is exactly right. Most of do not need all sorts of attention, public notice, thanks, rewards, letters of commendation, dinners in our honor, etc. All we really need is to know we have done our best and people respect us for it. In other words, being quietly respected is more satisfying than all the awards in the world. So it only makes sense that living our life in a way that earns respect is very important. In fact, when you think about the ultimate compliment, what is better than being respected?
